god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
