i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
