shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
