Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
