I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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