You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
