she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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