i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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