thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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