It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
