census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
