does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
