I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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