I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
