Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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