The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
