I have demons in me.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I think my fart just growled at me.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
