No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm just crazy horny about you
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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