I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize