Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
