So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
