Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!