you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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