I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
