I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
