my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
