I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
