I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
