Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
