Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
