Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
