ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
