I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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