If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
