Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.