Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far