I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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