just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.