seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
