I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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