In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
