no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
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I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
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If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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