You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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