My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
