So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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