I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
