The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
