When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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