I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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