Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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