I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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