My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
