Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
