Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
