Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
