Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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