High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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