Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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